That's how the fight got started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place
expensive.  So, I took her to a gas station.  And then the fight started.

*************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.  I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.  And that's when the fight started.

*************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.   The woman said "Unbutton your shirt'."  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application;

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.  She said, "You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too."  And then the fight started.

*************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"  "Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."  "Oh My!" says my wife, "Who would think, a person could go on celebrating that long?"  And then the fight started.

*************

I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.  He was a Dwarf!  He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"  So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"  And that's how the fight started.

*************

I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.  "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you
worried about the Mad Cow?"  "Nah, she can order for herself." 
 And that's how the fight started.

*************

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta Night crawlers.  He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.  He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decide to steal dat frog.  Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf watta moccasin, so Boudreaux he haf'ta be real careful or he gonna get bit wif dat snake.  He snuk up behine de snake and grab him roun de haid.  Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.  He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.  But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeah.  Well, Boudreaux pried de snake's mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.  Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good, but he got a plan.  He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pinta Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.  He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.  Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.  Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.  A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.  He slowly look down and dere be dat Cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs!

Now here are the rules from the male side.  These are our rules!

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.  See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.  Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or BASKETBALL.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes

I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping.

So, are you thinking about having children?  Stop and take this test first to see whether you are ready!

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Put a crayon in a pocket before you wash the clothes. Stick some chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe and walk all over the carpet.

TOY TEST

Obtain a 55 gallon box of building blocks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen barefoot. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. Also, spread some larger toys around the yard, making sure to leave at least one riding toy directly behind the car.

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

 DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug,while pretending to be an airplane. Finally, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m.Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years, and always look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a dime and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the outside of the car. There, perfect.

LEARNING TEST

Think of an animal that starts with the letter "N". Find a word that rhymes with "Purple." Locate an object that was made in Austria. Buy a protractor and a pack of 3"x5" index cards. Find out about and do all these things the morning they are due at school.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months, then remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter and ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child or two. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.